This timeline holds the important bits previously held in published, hidden posts I’ve since deleted as the result of healing from my past and choosing not to keep for other reasons.
Some things, though, I want to remember or have to look back on, so I’ve created this timeline to keep instead.
My great grandmother died. My egg donor said it was almost as if she had chosen that time. Mimi was on her way home from the school, and I was on my way to Sonic to pick up lunch for me, my mom and my aunt, Bebe. It was like she didn’t want the two of us to watch her go. But the truth is, I had been watching her die. Changing and helping wipe her down by turning her over. She was slowly dying.
This woman I had known my entire life who had battled cancer, stroke after stroke, and more simply couldn’t fight Shingles and another stroke. She had been dying before my eyes the entire time, in the front living room (right outside my room), and my egg donor, Mimi, Bebe and I all thought she was going to get better. She was on oxygen. It reminded me of my great grandfather. Knowing her suffering was nearly over soothed me.
- On the 5th, Todd was spayed.
- On the 8th, I felt disconnected from my family because no one wanted to talk about my great grandmother. At the same time, I was perceived as abnormal because I didn’t cry.
- A couple posts during this month have me wondering if my peanut allergy is actually part of a trauma response as the result of germaphobia and seeing my great grandmother licking the spoon as she made each peanut butter cracker. (At the same time, I’d always felt like my throat was swelling up when I ate PB, so probably not.)
- I watched The Skeleton Key, Beneath Still Waters, 100 Feet and Silent Hill.
- I realized I felt trapped and suffocated by my family’s insistent, selfish desires for me.
- Struggled with identity/dissociation/not associating with my name, but attributed it to needing a new nickname.
- I reached 1000 posts on Tumblr.
- Felt dissociative/didn’t associate with my identity, but again could not sort out why. I’d dismiss acting unlike myself as “off days”.
- I had a lot of nightmares and dismissed it as stress.
- I believed that doing things for my egg donor would equate to love and appreciation. It never did.
- First time I realized Mimi keeps favorites, even if she didn’t view it as such. She didn’t want my sister there, didn’t care about her feelings. I understand the abandonment issues.
- I rescued kittens with my brother by climbing under the mobile home. One was named BJ, like Booger Junior, but had to be renamed to Rascal because my egg donor and her husband thought it sounded too sexual. The cat was later found to be female, not male.
- Rascal was later shot with a BB gun by her husband, but I wasn’t supposed to find out. I wasn’t allowed to take her to the vet, and that was the day I stopped pretending to tolerate her abusive husband.
- Saved some baby opposums.
- The memory of rescuing the kittens is a good one, and I’ve saved this aside for my memoir.
- I thought being conservative, as I was told that I was, was a good thing and made me superior.
- Enjoyed hanging out with my egg donor when things were good. We applied at TVCC with the help of FAFSA.
- Hated winter holidays because it was associated with divorced parent drama, fighting over me while I was expected to do whatever just because I was the kid and they were the adults.
- I dreamed of a future wherein I didn’t feel obligated to do anything with anyone on Christmas.
- FarmVille gaming special interest developed because it let me bond and spend time with my egg donor
- Came home from work one night to find the yard packed with vehicles, one of my cousin’s friends in the bed, and my meal plan destroyed by teenagers
- Bought my cat, Todd, a red collar. I still have it somewhere.
- I chose to do an angel from the Angel Tree as my gift
- Todd went missing; I was scared and worried for him. He was soon found, however, on the back porch.
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