New Year, New Me – The REAL me.

This is a super-long entry. You either read all of it, or you just don’t read any of it at all. I’m not writing this all out just for it to be ignored. People don’t listen to me much anymore, and I wanna be heard, dang it. -.- It may be similar to a novel – or hey, even a prose piece – but it’ll still be worth your time… (I’m running low on patience; I’ve been quite snappy lately.) I’m really stressed out between family drama and work and my own life and trying to get everything straight and situated and whatnot. ‘Tis a little over 2000 words. This is an extremely personal and reflective post. You’ll either enjoy it, or you’ll get really bored. If you opt to comment, then it should be heartfelt and thought out rather than quick and to the point.

My days are starting to run together. Work is getting crazier. I feel like I annoy CSM’s, but then I tell myself that they are just tired. Forming a straight-lined thought is difficult nowadays. I feel as though my hand-eye-brain coordination is ready to come to a halt; time for myself is scarce. I still lack a few really good friends. My truck is always a mess; it looks like I practically live in my there. I feel like time is moving too forward and too forward too fast. I also don’t know how to tell certain people that I have a plan for myself without having to be lectured or anything like that. I do have a plan for myself, and I know that it’s what I need to do, for now at least. Just because I don’t want to take this route doesn’t mean that I can choose to take the other route. Unfortunately, I feel like a complete failure because of their reaction(s) to my plan, and I feel like I will never be able to please them. It’s quite a hurtful feeling; I dislike the feeling to bits.

As far as college goes, I’m {most likely} only going to be able to afford one class this semester since I missed the FAFSA date thanks to work and being busy and all of that other boring and annoying junk. In other words, I’ll be paying for it out-of-pocket, AKA with my own money. Next semester I hope to have a dorm. Somehow. Someway. I’ll figure it out. But I really want a dorm – soon. I need all of the benefits of having a dorm – friends, responsibility, independence.

Maybe if I can prove[1. See, I always feel like I have to prove myself to people, and it’s quite annoying. I can’t stand this feeling – at all. I need it to dissipate, because it really messes with my self-esteem, self-worth and confidence.] that I know what I want to do[2. I like to try things for myself most of the time. It’s not gonna work? It’s still a try. I want to learn from my mistakes the hard way. I never got to growing up. There was always, “This is the way to do it, and there is no other way.” I don’t like being told “I told you so” because I’ve too many memories containing that phrase that I try my hardest to forget. …Can you tell that I’m extremely stubborn?] – and then actually do it (which will clearly take a lot of patience on my part since I’ll have to hear about it from particular people(s) so much), then that will appease them. I guess I just feel like no one takes me seriously. I have so much in life that I want to accomplish – and my goals/dreams/etc. don’t fit into everyone’s plans and/or qualify for the “perfect plan”. Make sense?

Sometimes I just want to say, “Hey, I’m different, okay? Why can’t you just take me as I am?”

I’m uber drained. Having to be in the midst of all of this family drama is really frustrating and really annoying – and personally, I’m sick of having to be in the middle of it all simply because people cannot talk to each other like the adults that they are without the other getting mad and blah, blah, blah. It isn’t my problem, and all it does to me is just make me want to scream and put me under more stress than I need.

This is a new year. If such things were taken care of a few days ago at the latest, then 2012 would not have to be started off like this. It really sucks. Anyway, I decided to make ‘new year’s resolutions’ in a very nonofficial and roundabout way. So, here is my list…

I want to eat healthy again.

Lately I haven’t been. It’s way too easy to get off of that health track, and buying junk food is too easy, too. I don’t like junk food, but stress has gotten to me – causing me to crave said junk food more than anything, and I need to make that stress go away so I can go back to eating healthy again.

I purchased a planner.

Granted I dislike the design now that I see what it actually looks like (since I was trying to hurry, and I didn’t want to wait until later – and I didn’t stop and look inside because I thought it was the light blue version of the one I bought last year), but it will work. I suppose I could always buy a new one as time moves forward, right?

Saying “no” is difficult for me.

I tend to feel bad the moment I reject someone/something. I feel as though I have to accept everything, even if I don’t want to. Old habits die hard, and growing up I felt like I had to accept everything I wanted to reject. I need to gain control of myself and my life and my body and my future by learning to tell people “no”. Until I learn to do that, I won’t have the respect for myself that I need, want and deserve.

Caring what others think of me is also not entirely important.

Sure, first impressions do mean a lot, but in my youngster environment I took everything to heart because it felt like a requirement. I’ll be twenty-one this year, and I can finally say that I am independent because I have a job, my own bank account and my own means of transportation. I’ve the maturity of a thirty-year old single mother, and thirty-year old single mothers are who I usually relate to. People can’t get to know much of me – or even a significant little – by a mere first impression. It takes time and trust – and it also takes effort. I’m not going to just blurt out everything I’ve been through in life to one of my coworkers just because I think they’re using a stereotype when they say people my age only seem to care about partying, getting drunk and/or text messaging on their cellular devices.

Patience – I’d like to have more patience.

Sometimes I’ll get customers that come through my lane who tell me I’m doing a great job and that I have to have a lot of patience to be able to deal with the customers that maybe aren’t so friendly, having a bad day, etc. I suppose they’re right. Some customers take a lot more time to understand and deal with and help out than the others – and I tend to get really frustrated really easily, especially if they call me an idiot[3. Happy new year to me, huh?] because of something that the register asked for[4. Believe me, it took everything I had to not go ballistic on her. I simply smiled and politely asked her for her phone number. ‘Twas a long, long, LONG day.]. It wasn’t me wanting all of that information – ’twas the register. .-.

I strive to be different, this I know for a fact.

However, I think there’s a fine line between being ‘different’ and being ‘abnormal’ and/or ‘immature’. I didn’t get to enjoy my childhood. If I wanna play Hide and Seek at the park with my siblings, then I’m going to do it[5. Um… So this was the only example I really had…]. I got into trouble a few times when I was younger than twelve because I was into cartoons like Blue’s Clues and Tom and Jerry. It wasn’t fair. I was called a child, and I wasn’t allowed to watch it anymore. I was quite angry for the longest time, but then I would sneak it[6. Similar to sneaking candy, only sneaking peaks at the TV when said cartoons and children’s shows were on.]. Of course, it’s extremely unfair that I couldn’t watch those TV shows, but Carrie (six, will be seven in a month), can still have her baby blanket and suck her thumb. I’m not childish, and although I have acted childish, I’ve never actually been such a thing. And now it’s practically too late to be able to enjoy being a child because I’ve already passed that age – and I’ll never really be able to experience childhood again for myself.

I’m considering starting some sort of parenting journal or ‘guide’ for whenever I have my own kiddo(s).

I’ve learned a lot in my life, and I don’t want to forget something later on when it comes to that particular thing and handle it the same way my mother did if I remember having a negative memory from it. I have a hard time remembering the good, and I think it’s important for children to be able to remember the good things from their childhood MORE than they remember the bad things. I remember mostly the bad things – and that’s pretty much it. I struggle to name the good things whereas the bad things roll off the tip of my tongue as though there’s no tomorrow and I’m fighting for my dear life (or my siblings’). However, I’m probably just going to end up typing it up on the computer. 😛

Other things

Something I’d also like to accomplish this year is to watch 100 movies I’ve never seen before in 2012 and read 12 books I’ve never read before in 2012. Twelve books would be at least one book per month – and school books/assignments won’t count toward this goal. It has to be on my own time, not time I owe to a class or someone else, etc. As for the movies… Well, movies are easy to do. I just need to stick with the movies list. The reading list goal will help me with the not-so-grand self-discipline I have. …And also because I need to get back into reading, ya know?

But these are merely things I would like to accomplish. If something comes up, then something comes up. However, I also think that these things would help me become the person I wish to be life. I’ve grown up a lot, even if it wasn’t in that “usual way” people usually grow up in. I’ve had to learn everything myself, and though I hate that I had to learn everything for myself, I’m still partially happy I did. If it weren’t for the many obstacles I’ve had to overcome in all of my years alive, then I wouldn’t be blogging today. I don’t know where I’d be – or if I’d even still be alive. I’m thankful my mom had me when she did, because I wouldn’t wish to have been born in any other time period or into any other family – or to have even been adopted – but there’s a fine line between wondering what could have been for me if things would have been handled differently throughout my years as a child and a teenager and what I have now considering the way that things were handled throughout my years as a child and a teenager. I wouldn’t have to struggle so much with trusting people or with trying to understand how the hell this ‘amazing love thing’ works (you know, how two people can love each other so deeply and blah, blah, blah).

This new year, it’s all about me and being myself and who I am and who I’ve always wanted to be – and who I’m going to be and who I need to be. I’m to going to be the real me – the person I really am inside. If people don’t like it, I can’t change that. I can’t make them see me the way I want them to see me. I have to take care of myself in the best way that I know how to. It’s difficult now, and it’s going to become even more difficult for me this year. I had a feeling this year was going to be one of the hardest years of my entire life (and mostly for me), and that feeling is continuing. However, if I don’t quit giving into people now, then how am I going to be able to live my life for me at any other time?

By the way, my oldest brother has a blog now. However, you shouldn’t mention exactly how you came across it – or anything about THIS blog/site/whatever, either. In fact, don’t mention me at all. (He’ll be embarrassed.)

If you loved this post, please share or buy me a pretzel:

Comments on this post

It seems like your pretty headstrong this coming year. That’s really good, I hope your able to accomplish all your resolutions, and more importantly get into your inner-self. Don’t feel bad for almost being 21 and still struggling with self identity, there are millions of people twice your age still trying to find themselves, every person is different, every story is different. You’ll make your own, sure things get rough and hard and I can completely understand your frustrations, but I always try to tell myself you have to put up with the rain in order to see a rainbow.I’m sorry to hear 2011 didn’t end so well, and 2012 started a bit bittersweetly, but there’s an extra day this year 🙂 the first day doesn’t have to count…

Good luck with everything though, I’ll try to stop by more often and see how your doing. I’ve been disconnected from the web world lately,but if you ever need to vent or just wanna chat you can always email me 🙂 I’ll send you some encouragement ^-^
take care~

I wish you all the best in this change. I can tell you are really determined and there is much in it for you. It’s always hard to change one’s self, and it might seem that way from the outset, but I believe you can do it. I know how it is when things get in the way. I love making goals, and I try really hard to better myself sometimes but you just have to keep pushing on through. People are always going to stand in your way and I know for you, it’s as if they always have. This is the year you’ll barge through and fight yourself, but with everything you’ve learned from years gone by. As you said, you will no longer give in to people.

It’s hard not to care what people think of you. I keep saying that I don’t care, and I openly voice it, but sometimes I can’t help but wonder what people do think. :/

I am sure that planner will help keep you more organised. ^_^ I like organising myself with a notebook and such. Planners aren’t really my thing. I just need blank space to write and take notes and that works fine for me.

I haven’t been eating healthily lately; my medication is being a bit annoying and messing with my appetite. I keep snacking instead of eating properly, and sometimes I don’t eat at all. I’m trying really hard not to eat too much junk food though. Since my bout with a full colon last year and my cholesterol not decreasing, I’ve decided to hack at it.

I hope everything goes alright with school and paying for it. Best of luck. <3