Pain is pain. It’s a feeling that is felt when something hurts. Some pain can be healed through music, some pain can be healed through talking, some pain can be healed through venting, some pain can be healed through crying – everyone heals differently. The healing process cannot be rushed, because that can lead to dangerous behavior. It can cause someone to feel as though there is no way out, thus being the cause of their suicide.
I don’t judge people negatively for contemplating, attempting, or even succeeding suicide. I look at it as their way of attempting to rush through the healing process. Because I get it, the pain needs to end. It hurts so much that it’s unbearable, and the people around aren’t necessarily supportive.
I don’t have support at home. I’m tired of lying to myself about how I have people on my “side” and supporting me. I’m exhausted all of the time. I’m tired of crying myself to sleep. I’m tired of people accusing me of and assuming that I’m dwelling. Shit takes time. I’m so sick and tired of having to stress it.
No one has really known my point of view. I’m not the type of person who enjoys people doing things for me. Sure, it’s nice, but I just get this little voice inside my head when someone does it from my mom or lard simply saying, “Lazy, spoiled and only cares about herself.”
I literally feel like this mental illness shit has made me move down to the very bottom – the bottom of the food chain, the bottom of society, the lowest of the low.
I’m not lazy. I just can’t concentrate. I just can’t handle negative stuff. I can have a trillion positive compliments, and one negative comment will still bring me down. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I try to be sweet and caring to the best of my ability – as much as I can handle.
Faking being okay is exhausting. I’m expected to not keep it bottled up inside, but whether I have help or not doesn’t change the fact that I lack support at home. It really hurts. It makes me hate me.
Pain should never be compared. If you tell someone that “it could be worse” and/or “other people have it worse”, you’re an ignorant person who does not deserve to be considered human. I believe in karma.
I can’t drive because 1) my anxiety is too much to handle in most situations, 2) flashbacks are like movies constantly playing inside my head every. single. day., 3) I can’t concentrate, 4) I’ve developed some impulse action reaction, and it’s stuck around ever since last year when things grew horrible.
My truck has a lot of work that needs to be done – around $400. Telling me that, and then telling me I need to get a job, only makes me hate what I’m going through even more.
Pain can neither be measured nor explained. No word or phrase or sentence can even begin to describe the pain I have.
So I blog.
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